Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   throwing acid is wrong, in some peoples eyes!

   1am... husband is snoring so loud I can't sleep! Tomorrow night I'm getting out the spray bottle and when he starts I'm giong to squirt him like a bad puppy! Yeah, I'll let you know that one turns out.

   Don't be humble. You're not that great...

   There's too much blood in my caffeine system...

   found out that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission...

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   Urban Commandment: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

   I find Reality tv very educating... Every time somebody turns on a show, I go into the other room and read a book...

   If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you... dumn*ss...

   I make serious coffee – so strong it wakes up the neighbors !!!!!!!!

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.

   Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!

   When in doubt, mumble.

   People are posting all their feelings on facebook; well you wanna know what I'm feeling… I don't wanna hear about your sh*t!!!

   I drink everyday that ends in “y”, I sleep everyday that ends in “y' I wish I could say the same about sex!

   If you watch the Lord of the Rings backwards, it's about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the time walking home.

   waiting for Pam Anderson to fall out of her dress on DWTS!!

   players never die, they just try their luck at a different table

   can't wait til Chad Johnson gets kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens so I don't have to read peoples' status updates about him...