Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   We're all just nudists in disguise...

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."

   so you press the button to hail the elevator, when it doesn't come we press the button again. does a second press hail the elevator faster, if not, why do we do it

   ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.

   no Proctologist, but I know an a$$hole when I see one.

   drunker then a two dollar hooker on topless tuesday.."

   thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   As I sit I wonder is it illegal to park in a handicapped bathroom stahl?

   not a PC and your commercials are getting on my nerves.

   Just because I'm not answering, doesn't mean I'm not listening.

   all that, a bag of chips, *and* salsa. *AND* queso.

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   I'm taking this Cookie little Kid.. And Don't Use that Swiper no Swipping Sh*t on me because that Don't work in the Real World.Grow up!"

   I love Kit-Kat...unless I'm with four or more people.

   The last thing I want to do in insult you... BUT it is on the LIST..

   I'm not a fan of drama but I know a lot of people running for club president.

   I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

   just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!

   Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.