Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   I've just decided I want a bunch of kids with several baby mamas, so my children will all look different and I can match em' with my wardrobe

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   Just got my Sketcher shape-ups now I'm gonna get in shape without ever going to the gym

   If you get mad at someone and push them down the stairs make sure it's the DOWN escalator...or you'll be there all day.

   Carry yourself like a queen and you'll attract a king. Carry yourself like a hoe and see how far you'll go.

   Interesting Factoid: Tall people earn $789 per year per inch more than shorter people.

   wondering if pediatricians and children's dentists play miniature golf on Wednesdays...

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   Yes acupuncture is an "ancient technique." Other "ancient techniques" included leeches and dying from plague. I'm good with drugs thanks.

   Erectile disfunction commercials make watching TV with your parents akward!!!

   Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!

   Life is like an iPhone, it's only as fun as the apps you have downloaded!!!!

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....