Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.

   sad that '24' is coming to an end after 8 seasons. I have given 8 whole days of my life to this series.

   been trying to think of a term to describe the amount of time it takes the earth to complete one single rotation, but I'm thinking of calling it a day.

   There's a huge debt crisis in Greece. Apparently they've got bills.........they're multiplying.

   waving his pants and shouting 'viva la revolution'

   hiding from trolls, you never saw me....

   "Barcelona expected to win. They have had an incredible surprise at the San Siro. Then we understood... they had fear". - Jose Mourinho

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you re on

   reading a book....yea I know I was shocked too

   Has anyone out there ever tried Auto Erotic Asphyxiation? I haven't...just curios if anyone else has....

   resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. We are facebook.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   you are like the drummer from REO Speedwagon...nobody knows who you are.

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   Maybe this world is another planet's hell...

   I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

   My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.