Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Do you think there's any limit to how many blades they'll put on razors? Like in 2025 there will be the Schick Annihilator 100.

   Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes this weekend . Jay Leno appeared 30 minutes in to take over due to 60 minutes "losing viewers and profits."

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   It would be some much easier for me to be compassionate, if compassionate meant smacking people in the head.

   If you aim right you won't disrupt her sight. Eyes are not cup holders for that stuff

   May the 4th be with you.

   It must be spring, I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater. Who needs a groundhog?

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   just small town girl, living in a lonely world. Took the midnight train goin' anywhere.

   There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice!!

   If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then I can bring Afros back...."This is Humidity and I approve this message"

   bringing Afro's back....this message is sponsored by humidity

   Humidity = Bad hair day!! Thinking of shaving her head....Britney Spears style

   I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.

   confused...the system admin told me to 'have a little patients.' Does this mean I need to become a pediatrician?

   Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.