Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy D!ck are the same person..

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...

   i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

   Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me

   I am used but in good condition

   Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

   Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

   If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

   not as thunk as you drink I am occifer...i was just podging dotholes...

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP

   Facebook knows me better than anyone

   owns youtube, facebook, gmail, messenger and microsoft office. Now will you go out with me?