Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up

   im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   Did you know your Index finger is a perfect fit for your nostril?

   Considering the fact that god is the creator of everything....Does that mean he's chinese then.... ??

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   Donate an organ and give your heart to Jesus

   everybody needs sex. we need stories to tell are friends. Like "the prostitute gave the money back... no lie."

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   finds is dam funny that Chris Brown sang the American anthem at one of the biggest boxing matches in 5 years...

   24 beers in a case... 24 hours in a day... is that a coinsidence???

   not goin bald....im just gettin more head!

   Police found the device in a smoking Nissan Pathfinder. Thank God it was a Nissan. If it had been a Toyota, you know it would have blown up.

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........

   Be careful when someone wants to take you to ANOTHER LEVEL, I listened to that and now I am in another level, but much lower than I was before!

   Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?