Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   I'm installing plywood doors in my house so I can karate chop them down like a badass when I enter each room.

   So I'm giving up drinking..Hard liquor..On Wednesdays..In June..Next year..(Maybe..)

   found a new place to live...it includes all utilities, free meals, gym, arts & crafts...and my insurance pays for it all...The Nuthouse :o)

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   There is always a double standard when strip clubs have 'All You Can Eat' buffets.

   It's called cocaine and you dont want no part of this sh!t...It turns all your bad feelings into good feelings. It's a nightmare

   when you really think about it….life and nature are pretty simple….it's all about finding food, building shelter, and getting some

   I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to

   the trouble with life is there is no background music

   not a mover and a shaker but instead I'm a wiggler and jiggler.

   wonders if a bunch of Shamwows will help clean up the spill in the Gulf

   : Dont you just wish you could go back to being a kid and let the adults take care of the problems that they created for themselves?

   copying your profile picture so I can put it in my wallet and pretend its my girlfriend

   Rihanna wants a rude boy...Didnt she get her a$$ whooped by one already?

   A recent 100 million dollar study conducted by Harvard University just discovered that running out of money may be the main cause for Bankruptcy.

   Taking a picture of a flower does not make you a photographer......

   Was trying to sign up for a website... It ask me what state I lived in... I couldn't find confusion nowhere in the drop box...

   Did I just say that! Or did I think it! Damn they spotted me..

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions