Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to his wife or girlfriend. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   That "Free Smells" sign they hang in the window at Jimmy John's sandwich shops? Yeah, it's a lie. They totally asked me to leave.

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   If you have to "take a break" then you two are NOT together. Timeouts are for sports, not relationships.

   If I don't mention you, then the tweet wasn't about you. But if the shoe fits, then lace that bltch up and wear it.

   The term "swag" was invented in the 60s by a group of gay men as an acronym for "Secretly We Are Gay." No wonder Justin Bieber thinks he has so much of it.

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."

   "Excuse me ma'am... I'd like to return this Dream Catcher." "Sir, that's a dead bird caught in a spider web." "Where's your manager!?"

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!

   How to politely answer to an insult: "I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did..."

   Spray tans, for those who can't get a real tan because they think the sun shines out of their ass.