GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   Remember when we had to smack the TV because it wasn't working right? I feel that way about some people.

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.