Funny Status Messages

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

   first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k.  or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You  have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet , a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an a*s  to pay for it all !

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

   If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque book

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

   Drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer Is Like Going Down On Your Cousin, It Tastes The Same But It's Just Wrong

   reminds you that the proper abbreviation for Sex and the City is SATC2, not Sex...Stop inviting me to go watch sex with you.

   Listening to Jimmy Buffet all day is giving me some unproductive ideas that might get me fired.

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼