Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did!

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants

   Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”

   1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!

   I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..

   dear mum and dad I dont know how you did it but thanks for making the sexiest creature alive!!

   Two girls, one cup.........The Williams sisters at Wimbledon.

   it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good?