Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reminds you that the proper abbreviation for Sex and the City is SATC2, not Sex...Stop inviting me to go watch sex with you.

   Listening to Jimmy Buffet all day is giving me some unproductive ideas that might get me fired.

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   A man has been admitted to hospital with HYPOTHERMIA AND FROSTBITES after he was left CHILLING at HOME for the whole day by his wife! A COLD CASE FILE has been opened!

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!

   In response to using hay as an option to absorb the oil spill, Joe Biden said today that it was a great idea, and the seahorses and seacows would likely enjoy the delicious hay....

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   It's pretty hot today, but I'll take the heat over the cold any time. Heat = slight sweaty discomfort; drink cold water as needed. Cold = Physical pain of the extremities; sit in a hot tub and dont get out until spring .

   I can't get enough minimalism

   Dont ever let your gaurd down, ever!..and when you think its ok to let your gaurd down that is the time when you should realllly keep it up!, waaaaaay up!

   hates it when people use the drive thru ATM for anything more than making a withdrawl.. do your damn deposits inside

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.