Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   without freedom of speech we would never know who the a$$holes are

   Q: How do you make four old ladies say  ‘FUCK!'?  A: Get a fifth one to yell  ‘BINGO!' 

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

   first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k.  or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You  have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet , a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an a*s  to pay for it all !

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

   If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque book

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

   Drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer Is Like Going Down On Your Cousin, It Tastes The Same But It's Just Wrong