Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this...

   I think some ppl should read the new book "Get A Life™"...by "X"®

   Baby monkey: mum, I wonder why we are so ugly. Monkey mum: thank God for our good looks, wait till you see who'se reading this.

   hey leave me alone, i'm living happily ever after

   My status has a crush on someone.

   Please! You're only older than me because your parents decided to have unprotected sex before mine did. At least mine didn't make a mistake that night.

   Saying "Let me call you back" is just a nicer or rather messed up way for a woman to say she doesn't wanna talk to you.

   WHAT?!?! Gary Coleman is dead?! What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis?!?!?!

   Breaking News: Utah police are seeking the Gooch in connection with the death of Arnold Jackson. Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Stoppers at (800)-555-TIPS all calls are strictly confidential.

   Why does a prostitute make more money than  a drug dealer? A Prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again! 

   A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘You wanna play 'magic'?' She responds, ‘What's that?' He says, ‘Well we go  back to my place and  screw, and then you disappear!'

   Just Saw A Bumper Sticker That Said... "My High School Dropout, Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student..."

   What a tortured soul... He never really figured out what Willis was talking about....

   What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day;  anal sex makes your hole weak.

   While the women were attending the "Sex and the City 2" premiere... the men were enjoying "Sex outside the City Too"...

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   Confucius says "Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"