Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   the world is hilarious, first swine flu then justin bieber then oil spill?!

   I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

   allergic to wasps and arrogant people.

   My wife tells me I have A.D.D., that stands for Attention Deficit, hey it's beginning to storm outside.

   my drinking team has a football problem

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".

   She had a Coca-Cola body....too bad it was the 2-Liter version.

   I had to separate the Aunt Jemima and the Uncle Ben in my pantry. Ben won't keep his hands off those big flapjacks..

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   With "Lost" and "American Idol" finished what am I supposed to do with my life, I guess I'll go enjoy that hot orange thing in the sky!

   wondering if the Phillys and Blackhawks players wives are not shaving either

   Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake. Then this will be my last status update.

   they should just put a shamwow on the oil spill.

   Justin Bieber. So easy a caveman can do it.

   I'm going to invent the Facebook Status Flipbook. An animated screen capture collection. Met a new guy (flip), it's only been a week but I Love him (flip), week 2 and I hate him (flip), deleting Facebook (flip), I Love him again.