Funny Status Messages
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After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself. 
If the store didn't want me to flop naked into the frozen foods, it shouldn't have put them so close to the front door on a 90° day.
Just got a chance to listen to my voicemails. I was pretty popular in 2009.
I'm getting bored with gravity. Time for an update with new features, universe!
Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night
This day needs more yesterday...
go ahead follow in my footsteps but is warning you [s]he walks into walls
I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says
heading down to Fraggle Rock.....
If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either!
Whitney Houston may always love you but I will not! Not after you slept with my sister
want$ $ucce$$ $o $he$ $uppo$edly I$ $elling $ea $hell$ $ea $hore like$ Ke$ha
Do you wanna have a slumber party in my basement? Is my statuses your drug? Huh your drug is my status your drug? Because your status is my drug huh your drug? huh your drug is my status your drug?
:-O<----[ Sideways bob
would like to thank the 5 supreme court justices that allowed us to keep one of our civil rights today. Long live the 2nd amendment!!
My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why
Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now
When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."
Today's facebook Status update is brought to you by the letters "B"..and ored!
got kicked out of a shop.....it said "wet floor"on the sign...so I did.... 