Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   Meme caption

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   Winter's coming. Bright side...Taylor Swift albums make excellent kindly.

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   Not sure what to make of this. I was in Krispy Kreme and some man asked if he could dunk his glazed jelly stick in my hot, steamy coffee cup.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.