Funny Status Messages

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   heavy in the game like fatman scoop, plus I got a flow tighter than a batman suit

   just had someone have a go at her for deleting them from her facebook.Whilst I know it is a childish thing to do I can't help thinking "I don't give A TINY RATS ARSE that is WHY I DELETED YOUh

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   Tonight right before LeBron makes his announcement, Kayne West is going to jump on stage, grab the mic, and say "LeBron, LeBron.. You're a great ball player, but Michael Jordan is the best of all time." Then jump off stage.

   How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

   got so bored that I decided to take a crap for no reason

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow a worm before it ate it

   I will say one thing about Lady GaGa. She wears stuff that even Boy George wouldn't be caught out in public in.