Funny Status Messages

   Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

   I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign's horoscope just to hear them say "that's so me!"

   Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.

   McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Me: I've lost the dictionary Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything

   INTERVIEWER: you put "whiskey" as a reference? ME: ope I thought it said preference

   Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.

   a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

   Once again those were not booes. They were alternative cheers.

   Customer: "Sir, could you take a look at my car; it's making terrible noises." Mechanic: "Have you tried shutting off the Christian music?"

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.

   The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

   Wonder why I'm such a night owl who who stays up all night?

   Ok guys Halloween is over take off your masks

   If you want to distract from you own crimes, blame something on someone else...and try to impeach.

   People who wake up at 2am to have sex, what’s that like?

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.