Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

   Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.

   You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card? And then the joy you feel when it says approved.

   Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

   When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.

   No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   i used to get money.....actually I was just taking it

   Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

   Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.

   It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.

   I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

   I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.