Funny Status Messages
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill. 
AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....
watching The Biggest Loser. I'd really love to be on that show. Not so much to lose weight.. but just to have Jillian ride me like a donkey while talking dirty to me.. Yeahh baby!
Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.
"Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller
"The most beautiful things in the world cannot be heard or touched, they must be seen"- Stevie Wonder
Wondering if the inventor or "crotchless panites" was thinking "Outside the box"
Came home & my girlfriend had on my favorite thong. Needless to say I dumped her. No one wears my clothes and gets away with it
Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?
Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.
Shoppingcarts....teaching women to walk upright since 1869
"Porn Actor Kills Colleague With Prop Weapon." It was apparently not a banana in his pocket, nor was he happy to see him.
Every time I see Renee Zellweger on screen I want to hand her an antihistamine.
I just invented a new candy called Mike and Ike and Tina. When you eat 'em, your front teeth fall out
I never judge a book by it's cover, but I do read the Cliff Notes on some of these Hoes
I don't think you understand how far up the f**k you need to shut it.
What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek.
dear biology, can I get an extended warranty on my penis?
**chokehold, spin, slam to the floor** Hello Wednesday!!
At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car. 