Funny Status Messages

   Never ask a gay dude if he is anal, say OCD instead.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   If you love Christmas so much, why don't you marry it, Eve? What I'm trying to say is: Merry Christmas Eve.

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.