Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   has just killed thier relationship asking "is it in?"

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.

   ...the good news: the Rangers are going to the Finals!! the bad news: wrong Rangers :(

   flooding newsfeeds with youtube videos....

   Game set match = tennis : set match run = arson.

   going crazy. Wanna join?

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with her, but she was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog. :)

   "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."...Wilson Mizner

   Refuses to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

   Boston fans always bring up the total team salary of New York when the Yankees lose, yet they never mention Red Sox have MLB's 2nd highest payroll and still failed to qualify for playoffs. Translation = Yankees spend wisely, Red Sox do not. Case rested.

   Let's go some place were we can each be alone

   I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

   I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

   A headache: Not how I expected to start my weekend... I was thinking more of ENDING it with one!

   The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters

   thinks that playing tag with sprinters is the 2nd least fun game in the world. second only to playing on a seesaw with a sumo wrestler.

   running outta status updates...please post something funny...like a come back status....

   Thinks there should be a sarcasm font....would make FB life so much easier.....

   My opponent Cindy wants to kill you and your family... the 3 good things about her though is 1) She has nice hair 2) She has a nice smile 3) She likes the outdoors