Funny Status Messages

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?

   I love my robotic vacuum cleaner that saves so much time and effort!...as long as I don't have to spend like an hour looking for it under furniture or in corners or wherever it got stuck and died.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Crazy that in 2019 auto-flush toilets still can't distinguish between sowho's peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   I'd like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means "wow that's fantastic." Her texts are so much more fun now.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.