Funny Status Messages

   My New Year's resolution is to delete my account and open facebook recovery centers across the nation.

   Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.

   My New Year's resolution is to not make any New Year's resolutions.

   My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta.

   excuses are like farts.... anyone can make them but nobody likes them

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!

   If you can read this, you're going to be pretty disappointed in what I "got you" for christmas.

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   Never ask a gay dude if he is anal, say OCD instead.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   If you love Christmas so much, why don't you marry it, Eve? What I'm trying to say is: Merry Christmas Eve.