Funny Status Messages

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Ok, slow down people. We're starting to evolve in the wrong direction.

   Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it." Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

   My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

   Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   I Can't find my phone! Could you call it? Oh wait, it was only in my pocket.. haha got you're Number!"

   Somthing always tells me, be camera ready when I go into Walmart..

   just saw the headline "Garfield cartoonist apologizes" and my first thought was "About time. That comic strip has been lame for decades"

   at this moment in time I could really punch someone in the face

   went to Wal-Mart this afternoon and discovered that some people think Febreeze is a substitution for doing laundry.

   got pulled over and was told by the officer to walk the white line; I told "not without a net"

   new twinkie diet???? I been on that one since I was 5 yrs old!

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   happy P.O.E.T.S. Day, everyone! Piss On Everything Tommrows Saturday.

   Miami Heat Fan: "You wait, you watch and see next season we're gonna do this we're gonna do that" ...... Still Waiting lmao! Clevelands just as good without Lebron