Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   crashing your family dinner on Thursday and bringing along a keg, dancers, a donkey and Cool Whip for the pie!

   believes they should change the "maybe" response to event invitations to "yep, unless I get a better offer before then".

   Dear God, I know you wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle, but right now, I wish you didn't trust me so much...

   TSA: Touching, Squeezing, Arresting...

   having a bad day. the sidewalk tripped me, the wall ran into me and I got hit by a parked car. could my day get any worse? :)

   @ TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. Grope discounts available.

   Does the Advance Pat Down come with an happy ending?

   Goodbye mistletoe belt bucket....hello mistletoe boxer shorts.

   "Real, Recognize Real, And I Can't See Or Hear None Of Yall." -Helen Keller

   my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied "space". Was that wrong?

   decided to burn lots of calories today.....so I set a fat kid on fire. :)

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?