Funny Status Messages

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

   Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.

   McDonalds …closing thigh gaps since 1967.

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.

   I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

   My dog caught me petting another dog and now we have to start a couple's Facebook account.

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.