Funny Status Messages

   I went scuba diving once and the instructor pointed out a shark and I swam toward it. When we got back up top on the boat he asked, "I pointed out a shark and you swam toward it? What the fuck?" Without missing a beat my wife said, "He's been swimming to

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   If you think you are smarter than the previous generation...50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

   My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers. Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

   Some say the 1950s were not so great when it came to racism. Okay, so we fixed that. So, how about you blakcs step up and stop being naggers already.

   I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

   My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar Current government: You’re hired

   You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

   If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.

   Maybe if we over-paid our teachers and under-paid our Pop artists their would be better education and less bad music.

   All gas station bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the “Saw” movies.

   Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car. They can call it the Lightning Bug.

   Thanksgiving: Being thankful for what you have and those you love. Black Friday: Trampling those you love to save 15% on something you don't have. Cyber Monday: "Hey, babe. Sorry I killed your dad Friday. Here's an iTunes gift card to ease the pain

   Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. It's terrible for the environment. Locally sourced all natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

   In honour of Thanksgiving remember to steal stuff and claim it as yours! I stole this post!

   Restaurant word

   Cafe word