Funny Status Messages

   My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   It's hard to believe we made it to the top of the food chain given half our limbs are nearly useless...

   Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?

   The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.

   Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children

   So... what's this I hear about Coronas being infected?

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...