Funny Status Messages

   My neighbors kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   Need your help Friends.... I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment!

   Look on the bright side, Joe Biden. Nelson Mandela didn't get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

   Growing up as a kid, My family could never afford that fancy Burt's Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herbert's Hornets lacerating pain venom.

   Moses walks down Mt. Sinai, tablets in hand, and assembles the Israelites. Moses announces, "I've got good and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." "What's the bad news?", a voice cries out. "Adultery is still in."

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instantly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut

   Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up, on brain-dead zombies. Hang on Hang on..... Sorry, wrong channel that was "The View".

   90 percent of being married is shouting, "WHAT" from other rooms.

   Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   I asked the lead singer of Hall & Oates to name one of his favorite bands. He said, "KISS is on my list."

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, '' Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

   Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.

   McDonalds …closing thigh gaps since 1967.

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

   I’ve never had a Popeyes chicken sandwich, but I do enjoyed a little Olive Oyl!