Funny Status Messages

   I called the Coronavirus hotline. I kept getting a recording about soy sauce saying, "Do not refill bottle with other than Kikkoman!"

   Sleeping In A Car By Age: 12 And Under: Very cool 13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal 18+: Uh-Oh

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   As you get older you quit looking towards the future And find yourself longing for the Pasture

   A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"

   When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone

   My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?

   Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

   I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.

   A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?

   An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.

   Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver

   Am I the only one that thinks it's very narcissistic that the Academy Award Members gave the Best Movie Award to a movie named after them...???

   I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   My popcorn gone stale, my coke is now flat. Waiting for the showing of the pp tapes, what happen to that?