Funny Status Messages

   [Jesus breaks bread] This is my body [Jesus pours wine] This is my blood [Jesus brings out Alex Trebek] and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

   Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   me: [donating body to science] science: [donates my body to goodwill]

   Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   By the third kid you say stuff like "here's a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later."

   Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

   The only thing that can stop the Coronavirus is a good guy with a gun.

   Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

   The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

   So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

   Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

   If the world was flat like some people say my girlfriend's cat would have pushed me off the edge years ago.

   Botching a quarantine and causing an outbreak, because you hate Obama so much is a understandable thing to me.

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

   Women are like dog doo, hear me through, don't interrupt It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick-up

   Aerosmith started a Chinese cooking school. It was entitled Wok This Way