Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   I hate it when I come across a couple urging in public but I missed the start and now don't know whose side I'm on.

   When one door opens, just hope that it’s the fridge and someone is about to bring you a beer.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   I need Google street view in real-time for better stalking...Sorry I mean bird watching.

   If you try to show me your family vacation photos I swear I'm going to report you to HR.

   You look like the kind of person who replies to a meme with a meme

   I sleep with a gun under my bed, in case someone breaks in and decides to throw clay pigeons into the air.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   If a man puts a vibrator to his ear he’ll hear how he’s not good in bed.

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   Just finished writing a book for new parents called “You Just Made a Big Mistake.”

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   -inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?

   I’m just here for the unsolicited parenting and relationship advice.

   ME: *putting two and two together* yep. it’s definitely four

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”