GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   After my funeral, I want one of my friends to take my phone and send a message to everyone: "Thank you for coming".

   I used to care what people thought of me until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   If you ever drove a car without any power steering, you can literally fight anybody and win.

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   n't it funny how red, white, and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you?

   Before we work on artificial intelligence, why don't we do something about natural stupidity?

   I just had a cop knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye. I told him to use both as he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

   I'm very busy today. So if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me, that would be great. Thanks!

   Some days I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days I realize it's not just some days.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   When I was young, I was poor. But after years of hard work, I am no longer young.

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

   There's no reason to tailgate me when I'm already doing 70 in a 35 zone. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

   Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

   Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.

   Based on my life choices so far, my guardian angel lied on their resume.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.

   I've decided my 2025 will start on February 1st. January is a free trial month.