Funny Status Messages

   Soo, I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   you know you have been drinking to much when a cop get's behind your car and you ask yourself if you had been drinking today!

   Get ready for the Rapture 6.0 on October 21st. Yay I have time to get my blunt force zombie hunting weapons ready!

   Sometimes, you have to burn the bridge behind you to clearly see the road ahead.

   You know you've made a serious vocational error, if you're covered in blood, crap, or oil by 6am.

   wondering if Harold Camping is going to stop picking random dates for the end of the world when we reach 2013 and his Mayan calender has expired

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Community Service Announcement - When attempting the Karma Sutra always be sure to stretch first, else you may end up pulling something!

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   That Awkward Moment When: An Emo Goes To Mcdonalds And Orders A Happy Meal

   I take my garbage & recycling to the curb 2 days before pickup just to see if the neighbors are actually paying attention to anything else sinister I may be up to and answer, “No; pickup is tomorrow, I'm quite sure of it.”