Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just checked my bank account. And it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   When the moon in your eye is at just 6:25, It's December.

   The moment you think I'm stupid, I've already outsmarted you.

   Nothing like a hot bowl of beef stew on a cold, smowy night.

   My high school math teacher died today. Feeling depressed, I never got to tell him he was wrong. I never used algebra, asshole!

   Before you mock children who still believe in Santa, remember there are still adults who believe everything they read on Facebook.

   Kinda ironic that the head of united healthcare dies form a shot. 🤣🤣 too soon ?

   Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.

   Poke her in the coong-coong here we go.

   They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

   My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don't even know if I'm kidding or not.

   Would you rather be Whoopi Goldberg’s gynecologist or a Chiefs fan?

   Companies need to stop making employees feel guilty for taking vacation days and time off just because they failed to hire a sufficient amount of people.

   Do the Chinese realize when visiting the USA they're buying souvenirs made in their country?

   I finally caved in and started using pronouns. Mine are We/Won

   Cancer is like being on an airplane falling from the sky and praying that the pilot can pull it out.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   If I truly posted what was on my mind, I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.

   First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want.

   Yes,but Where on Eileen ?