Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i am dating this really sweet homeless chic, she just asked me to move out with her

   just looked in the mirror and saw your next boyfriend

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

   Today I'm offering my "Tasting Menu" which is where I open the cans that got lost in the back of my cabinet and say, "Here, taste this."

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   Just found out it was raining by looking outside. WTF, Facebook? You're supposed to tell me these things first!

   Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send".

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   Called animal control cause I found a nest outside my window. Never knew those guys were so good at pickin up chicks

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   It seems like only yesterday that my abs didn't have the letters "FL" in front of them.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.