Funny Status Messages

   The other day I used the expression, "Far out, man!" All of a sudden, every single Facebook ad on my timeline is for retirement communities, early bird dinner specials and Geritol.

   You can still have sex during the quarantine as long as you stay 6 feet apart and there are less than 10 people, right?

   You wanna sum up how screwed up 2020 is? It’s April 15th, and the IRS just sent us all money!

   There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   Let’s see how long this $1200 last before the gofundme pages start back up

   Today is national wear your pajamas to work day. Didn't that start when the stay at home orders went into effect?

   * To help my bored stay at home friends to past the time, I made a DVD video of his dumbest speeches to watch.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   Things could be worse, like the meteorite the size of a house that flew between the Earth and the moon last night which if it had taken a slightly different course would have made your problems seem kind of trivial. So smile and be happy!

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   Hey got a new challenge for you Trumpster haters... Post a pic of you tearing your stimulus check up on social media.

   Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry