Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m an organ donor. But I’ve just got to say, if someone gets one, they better be ready to smoke a carton of Marlboros and a ton of Red Bulls to get them to work right. Lol

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   Santa said the illegals have been so bad this year that they were put on top of the ICE list

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   Sometimes, I'd like to give it all up and become a hook-nosed Joo

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Girlfriend

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

   I wonder if the police let Luigi Mangione finish his Happy Meal...

   I'm starting to suspect that they print "EZ Open Package" on stuff just to make us all feel stupid.

   Why do people say, "Tuna fish sandwich"? Nobody says, "Chicken Bird Sandwich".

   If you think religion is harmless fairy tales. Try typing "youth pasture" in Google

   I didn't even realize how broke I was until someone stole my identity and it ruined their life.

   Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog? Me: No, he's my biological dog.

   Wisdom eventually comes to all of us. Someday it might even be your turn.

   Keep it up and you'll be a strange smell in my attic.