Funny Status Messages

   Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Are bank robbers eligible for unemployment?

   It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.

   If someone offers you cash from a van and tells you it’s your stimulus check, you can take it, but just know it’s not the type of stimulus check you think it is.

   Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with? Me – An elevator repairman.

   I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

   Your quarantine name is your Amazon username and password.

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

   worm: sorry I slept in hey where is everyone

   I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

   Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

   me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

   Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.