Funny Status Messages

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

   # He's done the lease amount of leading, and the most complaining then all the previous 44 leaders before him put together.

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   After 32 days of quarantining, I'm officially a f@t cu^ t.

   I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

   Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

   *gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper

   Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’ Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’ Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

   HELP, I'm out of booze, and sobering up.