Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

   Baby Shark says, doo, doo, doo, doo

   Do you smell what I smell?

   Knick-knack patty-whack

   Hip hop, flip-flop

   Too bad, sooooo sad

   Mary kiss-a-moose

   Sleeping with a plus size woman is like riding a moped. Fun to ride, but you wouldn't want to seen on one.

   Donald Trump is a Tarrifist !

   Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, "Skip intro" when they start talking to you.

   Drones over New Jersey? That's just Amazon delivering Christmas presents. No biggie.

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   I fart on a first date.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂