Funny Status Messages
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Sending mixed signals should be a federal offence! 
Pretending to be someone else is hurting and sabotaging yourself because you're telling yourself that the real you, is useless and worthless.
BOY: Hey you must be tired... GIRL: Let me guess, coz I was running through your mind all day? BOY: Hell No! From jumping to conclusions, b*tch
If one drop of rain can find it's way to the ocean, one prayer can find it's way to God.
If 10 minutes after sex, the man is not hungry and the woman is not passed out, temporarily paralyzed, then somebody didn't do their job right.
watching a Blade movie marathon and began to wonder; where did all these vampires learn there martial arts? What after-hours karate school do they go too?
expecting the unexpected...so now the unexpected is expected thus, I am expecting the expected.. unexpectedly. ..
Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.
Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.
Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'
Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.
When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.
my "sleep number" is a 12.....pack
People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard
Donald and Daisy Duck must have a romantic passionate marriage. No one "wears the pants' in the relationship. Matter of fact I've never known them to wear any pants at all! Wow the secret to a passionate marriage must be "no pants."
I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.
Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.
Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.
Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.
The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark. 