Funny Status Messages

   I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Ieft on their conquering 2 cartoons, a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Keep a prayer on your lips and a pistol on your hips. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

   Due to social correctness, BIack Sabbath will now be called, "A Dark Shade Of The Day Of Rest."

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   I’m starting a protest tomorrow. Fat Lives Matter! Meeting at McDonald’s at 10, then KFC at 11 then Burger King at 12

   Bought some glass parts for my chandelier today and got shortchanged. I told him to check his crystal math.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.