Funny Status Messages
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Cesar Millan is amazing as The Dog Whisperer but I'm not gonna be really impressed until a show called "Rebellious Teenager Whisperer" comes out. 
Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.
After watching Star Wars for the thousanth time I noticed Chewbacca is always wearing a purse. Now I wonder if he was actually a sidekick or the "competion" for Princess Leia
Putting a friends name on your status update box on accident while searching for them is pretty funny for all your friends and family to see. Unless your friend is a Porn Site.
In my life, I have gotten much more useful and practical advice from Cesar Millan the dog whisperer than I have gotten from Dr. Phil.
The best way to get your teenage son to roll his eyes is show him your "Jedi Powers" by waving your hand in front of the automatic doors at Target.
I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.
I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".
Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.
Single? No, I'm just in a relationship with freedom.
No strings attached, your love is so wi-fi
Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.
yo mama's so old she has an autographed copy of The Holly Bible.
Friends are like potatoes if you eat them they die
it takes a carter to get a reagan
My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today. Its her or FaceBook. You people better be worth it.
Jesus is proof that abstinence doesn't work.
It's funny how Lady Gaga can pull off a man better than a woman.
Dear Sir, Since taking your body building course, I have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel great. I also feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Sincerely, Mary Goldberg 