Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   Sad 60's Self Realization:Most of the people who used to call you a Space Cowboy, a Gangster of Love, and Maurice now call you a Sad Hippie Has-Been.

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I really question the marketing tactics at Whosale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

   R.I.P. Pavol Demitra and the hockey team killed in the plane crash near the city of Yaroslavl

   I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.

   "Were sorry; the new Facebook is back up."

   I'm calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   If Febreze is really that damn good then maybe they should consider putting a douche on the market.

   when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.

   The word "lulz" hurts my eyes. Please make it stop.

   really dont like joggers.. watch the news isnt it a lil suspicious they are always the ones who find the bodies

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'