Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky

   Christmas is an illusion. It's based on 2 fairy tales. One features a guy in a red suit, the other in a crummy stable without Netflix.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   If the president-elect (Donald Trump) wants Canada as the 51st state, we’ll send him a box of Snow, Poutine, and Free Speech to remind him we’re better off up north.

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   Dancing: The musical activity for people who can't play an instrument.

   To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377. Hope that helps.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

   If you talk about others it's gossiping. If you talk about yourself it's called bragging. I guess there's still the weather !

   It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

   Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

   The cheapest way to fly is off the handle