Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox... Followed by an hour at McDonald's with a sword.

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason

   ESPN's Ron Jaworski just apologized for saying "sh*t" live on the air during Monday Night Football. Which just goes to prove that 90% of sportscasters don't notice to all the dumb krap that comes outta there own mouths anyway.

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.

   I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.

   "When life handed me political aides I turned them into Lemonaides"- Bill Clinton

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   Just burped a raptor call..

   ¡¡¡ ʎɐʍʎuɐ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ llǝʍ ˙pǝxıɟ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ ɐʇʇoƃ ı ʍou ʇnq ʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ noʎ ʇǝƃ oʇ ʎǝuoɯ ɐɹʇxǝ ǝɯos pɐɥ ı ˙ʎppnq ʎɹɹos

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   sure I can see the glass as half full,,,of crap!